This site is dedicated to my late husband, Phil. Today would have been our 38th anniversary. Phil passed away 1,008 days ago. I stopped counting them…the days…at some point, but I did count every one of them for a while. Actually, I counted the days and nights. Of all the special occasions that still collide with me during the year…birthdays, holidays, and such…our anniversary is by far the roughest one. Knowing this day was approaching, I decided to peruse my “heart journal” for some tangible memories I could ponder as I remembered our years together. My heart journal is the one in which I kept meticulous notes, thoughts and prayers during Phil’s journey of the heart.
I found an entry I wrote around Thanksgiving 2012, a month after Phil’s heart transplant, when he was still in ICU and we weren’t sure he would make it. It eventually became an entry on my Caring Bridge blog. I remember those desperate hours I spent in prayer next to his bed. I was weary from lack of sleep and fear of the worst. And yet, the Lord sustained me day in and day out. The following words were penned from an uneasy chair in the corner of a windowless, noisy ICU chamber full of machines clicking and monitors beeping – while my husband, hooked up to IV pumps, feeding tubes and dialysis equipment, clung to life:
No one likes pain and suffering. Everyone has had their share of trials that stretch us and grow us. We never know how we will endure such a trial until we are personally tested by the fiery furnace itself. We would never choose to be tested by fire, but when you encounter a hardship, you have to face it…like a red traffic light. You…just…face it…whatever it is. And how you confront it depends on your personality, life experience and beliefs.
C.S. Lewis once penned with wisdom, “We ought to give thanks for all fortune: if it is good, because it is good; if bad, because it works in us patience, humility and the contempt of this world…and the HOPE of our eternal home.” This pretty much sums it up for me. In the grand scheme of things, there is life…and there is eternal LIFE! Nothing on earth is permanent or guaranteed. Every day brings with it the potential for surprise, good or bad. And every day is filled with fleeting moments of ups, downs and neutrals. It takes effort and perspective to live where you are in the present. It helps me appreciate the now when I have hope for eternity.
What do they say…If life gives you lemons, make lemonade? I’m not trying to minimize our situation…a heart transplant is a serious lemon, I know. But I’m passing through each day on my knees and facing the fire. Alone, I couldn’t make it…but I’m not alone. As one who lives in dependence on a gracious and sovereign Lord, I am strengthened each day for what comes. Yes, I’m physically tired but Phil is fighting for his life. God is strengthening us both. He hasn’t failed us, and I trust He won’t. I am daily inspired by God’s mercy and by Phil’s strength.
Through it all, I kept my eyes on the Lord…it was how I survived. It was how we both survived so long in the fire. Through it all, I learned how to surrender my will and trust that the Lord was in control and I was not. Today I am thankful that Phil fought so hard to live. Because of his new heart, we had an additional 831 days of life together. Today, he is well…and I am well…God has worked all things together for our good.
Love,
Cheryl