#3YEARS

My Phil passed away three years ago today. Three years is not a long time, but it is an eternity. When we describe someone who has lost their spouse, we refer to that person as a “survivor”. As in, “He is survived by (name of spouse)” or “she survived her husband.” It’s a true statement. I have survived the passing of my beloved.

According to Webster, SURVIVE means “to remain alive after the death of someone; to continue in existence; to get along despite an adverse occurrence; to continue to live or exist after the death of a spouse; to endure through an adversity, affliction, misery.”

Anyone who has survived the loss of a loved one knows the deeper meaning of being a SURVIVOR. You don’t just remain or continue or get along or endure. You suffer and mourn and grieve and agonize over your loss. It’s a process that reveals. It reveals who you are, how you respond and what you do with it all. It will either make you or break you. Through these three years, I’ve realized that losing my Phil has both broken me and made me. The reality of his death broke me, but the grace of God made me…a survivor. I have lost, and I have won.

First, the reality is…I AM alone. My beloved is gone. I am no longer one with him. I am just ME…not we. I had to go through all those stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It sucked. It still sucks. My heart is broken. I miss my Phil more than words can even describe. I don’t like being alone. I miss his advice. I miss his touch. I miss his presence. I miss…HIM. I wouldn’t wish this company of sorrow on my worst enemy. That’s the LOSS.

And yet, I have the assurance that my Phil has passed on to the glory that awaits us all who believe. “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39). My Phil is home. His body is healed and his soul is restored, present with the Lord for eternity. That’s the WIN.

This three-year journey has not been easy. My grief is pungent. My loss is crushing. I have lived through the waves of sorrow overcoming my soul. But through it all, my Lord has been my comforter and my companion. I have received grace upon grace, from the Healer of the hurting. I have been sustained, not by my will or by my strength, but by the power of the Spirit who is in me. I am utterly dependent on Him who saves. He has rescued me from the pit of despair and lifted me up. I am a survivor…because my God has helped me to be a survivor. I live and breathe and survive another day, pressing into the life that is mine to remain in, continue in, get along in and endure in…always by the grace of God.

“Thus says the LORD, ‘The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness.’” (Jeremiah 31:2)